So you want to start deer hunting?
I hear it every year from a whole bunch of people, “Hey man, I want to go hunting with you next year”. From the guy that’s a wannabe hard ass volunteer firefighter to the not so radical Muslim that has to kill his own meat for religious purposes, people are lining up to learn what it takes to harvest your own free range, grass fed, organic meat. Well, you’re in luck tough guy. In this article, I’m going to explain what you need to do to kill a deer.
Let us get started
Let’s start with the basics. Money. Killing your own free meat is expensive. Like more expensive than going to the store and buying the best meat they sell. It’s going to cost you a grand, minimum, to get started. Yep, a grand. Still, want to give it a shot? Go out and buy a bow or gun. Head to Wal-Mart and grab your license and permits. You’re going to need a tree stand or ground blind to stay hidden. Add arrows or slugs, some warm clothes, a safety harness to keep you from falling out of the tree, and finally, a copy of the rules and regulations to keep your ass out of jail. Most of these guys I talk to that want to hunt know of a place where they see deer all the time. Their cousin’s buddy’s grandma has tons of land and there are big deer behind every tree. Perfect. That’s the hardest part, finding a spot to hunt. If you don’t know someone with a decent spot, you’re fucked. I mean, honestly, I wouldn’t waste your time reading the rest of this article if you don’t have something lined up. Sure, there is public land that you can hunt, and if you’ve got nothing else that’s the only option, but hunting shoulder to shoulder with every toothless hillbilly that lives within three counties isn’t the ideal way to start a new hobby.
Now what do you do when ready
Now that you’ve got a place to hunt, let’s set up our ambush spot for your tree stand or ground blind. There is only one thing to know about killing deer: don’t let them smell you. That’s you don’t need to spray yourself with $20 deer piss. You don’t need $300 worth of fancy camo. For fuck’s sake, don’t even need to take a shower after you were out all night trying to nail that 250-pound chick you met at the bar last weekend. All you must do is make sure the place where you are going to hunt has the wind that never blows from you to the deer. Let me say it again. The wind can never blow from where you hunting at to where the deer is going to if there is one rule to follow this, it. Pick a straight tree that has a little cover to it and hang your stand 15-20 feet up. If you hang it 30 feet high or higher, you’re an idiot. Go back to fire station, asshole, 20 feet is plenty high enough to stay hidden from an animal that has no overhead predators.
Getting your practice in
Okay. You’ve got your spot picked out. Now, stay the hell out of there. Every time you go into that setup you’re ruining the bloody surprise party your about to throw for old mossy horns and his slutty female friends. But it’s not hunting season yet. What do I do now? Practice. Then practice some more. For real, make sure you are going to be able to make an ethical shot on a deer when you get a chance. Google “deer anatomy” and figure out where the heart and lungs are located. Don’t listen to your hillbilly cousin from Alabama that shoots them in the neck or ass. The lungs and heart are the biggest and best target you’re going to get. I’m not going to spoon feed you any more details about practice and where to shoot. You’re reading this article, you have the fucking internet, you can figure it out. More than likely the first time you see a good buck you’re going to mess it up anyway. It’s go time. When the season finally opens, don’t drive you’re jacked up, diesel, piece of shit 1978 Dodge Ram right up to your hunting spot. Park at least 300 yards away. Try not break any limbs or sticks. Don’t rub your junk on any projectiles or brush. Focus on being sneaky. Kind of like when you’re trying to leave a bad college party and you just shagged a sweat hog and don’t want anyone to find out. That sneaky. Oh yeah, and keep the damn wind from blowing from you to where the deer are going to be. Throw on your harness, climb the tree, and sit still. Good things are about to happen.
If you follow these tips, I’m not saying you’re going to kill a monster buck. I don’t know you. You could be a total pussy. What I do know is that if you follow these rules, you’re going to have a decent shot at seeing some deer up close and maybe even killing on