It’s not really that hard to be a grown ass man. Do your job. Pay your own bills. Treat people with respect. Truly, it’s not rocket science. But I’ve seen an alarming trend going on with middle-aged men that’s just fucked up.How many times do you drive down the road and see a pack of middle-aged dudes riding bikes like they’re the second coming of Lance “Single nut” Armstrong? For myself, it’s way too many. These assholes that are slowing down traffic while wearing skin tight spandex need to be stopped. If I was a violent man, I’m guessing I could end their pedaling glory pretty easily, but I’m not looking to harm these guys. Instead, I want to look deeper into their lives to figure out why a herd of adult males would wake up early as fuck to ride bikes dressed in a
At first, I thought the answer could lie deep within their childhoods. Maybe they didn’t have many friends growing up or lived in a rural location and had no one to ride with. Maybe their parents didn’t have the cash to buy a decent bike. Maybe they had seventeen brothers that used to wear extremely tight clothes and rode bikes with each other growing up and are
trying to relive the glory days. I don’t know. My next thought was much more logical. Maybe these guys are riding these bikes for exercise. This theory adds up until you look at their clothing. I see men all over riding bikes alone, wearing normal fitting clothes which do not flaunt their ding dongs. Tight clothing certainly isn’t a requirement to ride a bike. I kept pondering this thought until one day it hit me: these middle-aged pedalers were “peacocking.”
Peacocking is the oldest trick in the book. It has been used since the beginning of time for men to attract potential mates. To “peacock” is to make yourself stand out by any means
necessary, much like the vibrant bird that prances and displays its colorful feathers to potential suitors. The prancing comes to play when the pack of cyclists jockey for position amongst their inner circle. Obviously, the lead cyclist would make a much better mate than a biker who is falling behind from a female admirer’s perspective. The colorful display of the peacock has been replaced by the bright colors of the men’s spandex tops. The brighter the color, the more confident the cyclist. Naturally, women would choose a more confident mate.
It’s all coming together. These groups of grown men we see so frequently slowing traffic on public roads and generally flaunting their tight fitting clothes aren’t out to cause harm. Nope, quite the contrary, they are looking for love by using nature’s most colorful trick: peacocking. So, the next time you come across thirty-seven adult white guys riding bikes together, pay attention. Look for the lead biker with the most colorful shirt and give him a honk and a big smile. You’ve identified the dominant male of the pack. There’s a good chance he’s going to be getting some female attention very soon.